Pages - Menu

Saturday, 9 May 2015

Blog moved to WordPress

Hey everyone!

I hope you're all good. I've moved my blog to Wordpress. Come and follow me over there. The link to the new blog is https://lifewithdimples.wordpress.com/

Also just to say thank you all so much for all the support you've shown via your views and comments.

Much love

Yvonne-Michelle Tina <3

Monday, 4 May 2015

He's Just Not That Into You! (Haasi kukuda shamaz!)


“Oh my gosh, he hasn’t called, texted or "whatsapped" me in 5 days! What could that possibly mean? Maybe he lost his phone and my number along with it? But no, I see he is constantly online on Whatsapp. Maybe he’s busy? Or maybe...maybe....” This is one of my girlfriends, frantically trying to figure out why the guy she has the hots for has not gotten in touch for the past five days. “Maybe he’s shy, maybe he wants me to call him first? What do you think? Should I call him? Whhhhy is he silent?” she shrieks, her voice reaching fever pitch. All the while I’m sitting there rolling my eyes so hard I can see my brain. This is a scene I’ve witnessed many a time with many a girlfriend. Hell, once or twice I was even the one on the opposite side of the table. “Has it crossed your mind that maybe he’s just not that into you”? I ask rather bluntly. Her hands stop twisting around and she looks at me, confusion written all over her face like I’ve said something in Mandarin. “Wh-what”? “You heard me,” I say more softly this time, “Maybe he’s just not interested babe”. This is obviously not what my friend had wanted to hear. “But he said he liked me, he said all these really nice things to me. How can he not be into me?” she demands.

If there is one thing I have learnt is to believe what people do rather than what they say. This is especially true of men who are not very good at voicing their feelings. They promise you the moon, the stars and the Victoria Falls but, watch what he does. Of course the normal thing for me to do was to have totally destroyed this guy’s character, called him all sorts of unholy names and threatened to liberate the air in his wheels, just to make my friend feel better. Then I thought what about next time. What if she meets somebody else she likes and he doesn’t feel the same way. What will that do to her self confidence, she may begin to think there is something wrong with her when in fact, he’s just simply not that into her.

At first of course, this was a very foreign concept to me, being the confident young woman I am and thinking the world revolves around me. A guy not interested? In me? Inini? Mina? Moi? Ha! Joke of the year I thought! But after one or two let downs and of course watching the movie that is the title of this article and reading Steve Harvey’s book Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady, it slowly started to become plausible that maybe, just maybe I wasn’t every man’s dream woman (shock, horror!). My pride still flinches at the thought but she’ll get over it. What I would love though, is for my fellow single ladies to stop wasting their time getting their knickers in a twist over someone who simply doesn’t care. The following are obvious signs that he is not interested in making you his woman in any way, shape or form. Do not sit for hours trying to interpret what his actions, or lack of, mean. You are in denial and wasting your time!

He doesn’t communicate
He has your number. In fact, all your numbers. But he doesn’t use them. Ever. Do I even need to explain here? No. It’s not because he is busy. One thing I know for sure is if a man wants a woman, nothing will keep him away. He will find a way to communicate.

Mode of communication
He has your number but only chats to you on whatsapp. This most likely means you are just there for occasional entertainment. If he cared, he would call you and call you often. Especially if he is trying to become your man.

No dates
This is obvious. If a man is interested, he will want to please you and be with you. He will want to spend time with you to show you that he is different from the rest of the males out there. If he makes no effort whatsoever to be with and spend time with you, get a stepping because you mean nothing to him.

You’ve never met his friends (or anyone he knows for that matter!)
If he is interested in making you his woman, he will want to show you off to his friends and subsequently get their opinion of you. If not, he won’t. Simple. You're most probably his side-piece.

Makes his presence known
A man who wants a woman will make sure he eliminates the competition at any cost. He will call you “babe” in public. He will hold your hand in public. I’m not saying these specific things are a must but he will find a way to make everyone else know his intentions.




 Here's a short little video for you to watch reiterating what I've been saying. Enjoy!

Now, now ladies, don’t all go rushing to off to dump your men just because they didn’t reply a text message within four nanoseconds! These are just pointers for things I’m sure we already know but don’t quite like to acknowledge. I know it’s hard, especially if you have an ego like mine but if a brother is not interested, simply move on and let him be. Men have mastered the art of telling us what we want to hear but always remember, the proof is in what he does, not only what he says!





Sunday, 12 April 2015

Age Ain't Nothing But a Number...



Cradle snatcher, cougar, puma or closer to home “sugar mummy”. These are some of the less than flattering terms that are used to describe women who date men that are younger than them. I have an acquaintance who once revealed she was going out with someone significantly younger than her. Instead of the usual excited squeals of delight that often accompany the confession that one has a new man, all she got from her girlfriends were raised eyebrows and everyone looking at her like she had admitted to being a paedophile. The subject was then swiftly changed, obviously to be brought up and dissected later when said lady was not present.

I used to be one of those women who looked down on those who dated guys younger than them. I even had a personal minimum age. I would not go out with anyone less than 3 years my senior. Now? Now I just don't give a f***. As long as you're over 21, you're good to go bruh. Some people may think that it's because I'm older now and single and so "options are limited". But I don't think so. I think because I am older, I realise that there are a lot more problem's in the world to worry about other than someone's age. Some 25 year old guys are way more mature than some 40 year old men and that's just a fact. It doesn't mean though that I'm going to be frolicking around with 21 year olds, but you get the point right?

Older woman-younger man (cougar and cub) relationships are still quite taboo and largely not accepted by society. Any society not just here in Zimbabwe. A relationship where a man is old enough to be his partner’s father is still more palatable than one where a woman is dating someone who is two, three or heaven forbid, more than three years her junior. I decided to do some research, talk to people and find out why it is such relationships are generally looked down upon. It was quite interesting to note that an unexpected number of ladies said they would date someone younger than them, although they wouldn’t be comfortable making this public knowledge. They were not brave enough to let people know for fear of being laughed at having to answer a barrage of questions. A lot of them also said they would not date anyone more than three years their junior. An older gentleman I spoke to claimed women who dated younger men were of questionable morals. They are only looking for a good time and prey on these poor innocent youngsters. But what really was wrong with such relationships I insisted? Who said the man has to be older? Was there some sort of historical background to that belief? He looked at me for a second and said, “It’s just not normal-hazvingoite!” and then walked off in a huff having realised he didn’t actually have a valid reason. 

A few, more confident sisters, said they would date younger men and not care who knew. After all, it is about them and their partners’ happiness and not about pleasing society. Then there were those that deliberately went after the young blood. Reasons for that ranged from younger men being easier to date as they had no “excess baggage” to having a younger man making an older woman feel that she still had “it” and could still command attention from the male species. Some also said the young ones were overly eager to please and would practically do anything they wanted. And off course some said the young bloods performed wonders in bed!


I will definitely be "couging" especially if you are Trey Songz
 or J Something!
The guys I spoke to were almost all pro dating an older woman. In fact, most of them said this was a fantasy of theirs! “Older women have no drama and know what they want in every aspect of a relationship” said one guy, “They keep it real. They don’t have time for games”. Another one said older women tended to be more financially stable and therefore he wouldn’t go broke trying to woo them. In fact, he might be the one to end up getting spoilt! At this, the anti dating older women guys interjected. “I would only go out with an older woman for her money or for the sex” one candid character casually said. “Why would I waste my time with an “off-layer”? (Yes, my mouth was also agape and had to remind myself that I was the one who had asked the question and that I did want honest answers!) One guy responded to my question by saying “Dating is not marrying right”? He went on to explain that he wouldn’t mind dating an older woman as long as it was just for fun and nothing serious. He couldn’t see himself taking this woman to his mother and explaining that she was three or more years older than him and that he wanted to marry her.

An elderly lady I spoke to said we should look to Hollywood for clear examples that such
relationships do not work. Look at Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher she said. They had a sixteen year difference and look at them now. Madonna and Jennifer Lopez have been married to younger men and that didn’t last. Halle Berry, Eva Longoria and Whitney Houston are other examples. “Look at the Bible” she quipped, “Adam was made before Eve meaning he was older and that is the way it should be!” 

On the flipside, I also came across those who had solid examples of older woman-younger man relationships that were working well. One of my friends (who herself is a year older than her husband) has an uncle who is eight years younger than his wife but the couple has been blissfully married for the past seventeen years. Someone gave the example of their own parents where the mother was four years older than the father but they had been together for thirty odd years. All these highly interesting conversations lead me to the following conclusions. First and foremost, the people that count the most in a relationship are the two parties in the relationship. A relationship is about pleasing each other and not society. Having said that however, if a as woman, you find yourself in a situation where you want to enter into a relationship with a younger man, keep in mind that people will talk and you will get some negative energy. Make sure your partner is very supportive as this will indeed boost your confidence. A couple of ladies I know ended up having a discussion on this topic and brought up quite a valid point. As we all know, men mature at a much slower rate than women (if at all they do!). Being with a guy who is significantly younger than you may end up being stressful. This is because what you require from a relationship might be completely different due to your different stages in life. He wants to go out and party, you want to stay home and watch TV. You want to settle down and have children, he still wants to see the world and not be tied down. He wants to spend money like there is no tomorrow, you have now learnt the importance of being financially responsible.


I think just like any other relationship, whether he is older or younger, you need to do what is right for you. That guy who is five years older than you might turn out to be the worst relationship of your life while the younger one could the best thing ever to happen to you. 

Whilst age different is important, it must not be THE deciding factor in a relationship. If he truly loves you, respects and supports you, age should not be a factor right? After all, Aaliyah did say, “Age ain’t nothing but a number”!
                                                                                                    Age Ain't Nothing But a Number

What do you guys think though? Should age be a major factor in a relationship? What age gap is acceptable and what is not? If you think it matters, why? Hit me up in the comments section down below.





Tuesday, 24 March 2015

I was going to call this post "May he who has no sin cast the first stone" but I thought that was way too long right?!..So if you have any suggestions for a title, let me know in the comments below!

I had a lovely lazy Sunday this past weekend. Went to church, came back home and literally spent the entire day chilling on the couch, watching TV and scrolling through my Instagram and Twitter feeds. So I came across an interesting tweet from one of the accounts I follow (@zimleague). Below is a screen grab of the tweet:


I thought it was quite deep, but didn't think too much about it. A few hours later, I came across another similar post on Demetria Lucas' Instagram. Monica Lewinsky (I need not introduce her, if you're old enough to read this blog you certainly should know who she is),recently gave a TED Talk called "The price of shame".  In a nutshell, Monica was talking about how unforgiving the world is and how public shaming may seem like fun for those doing it, but can and usually does have devastating consequences on the "victim". 

                                          Monica Lewinsky giving her TED talk: The price of Shame

I'm not so sure though if what Monica hopes for will ever come to fruition. I think the human race is so far gone in it's need to be cruel and malicious (usually for no reason) to each other. As I read the comments on Demetria's Instagram post, I became more and more convinced of this. 

I realise though, that there is a very, very fine line between genuinely advising someone and being an outright evil bitch/troll. On the other hand, one of my most hated sayings is "don't judge". If you do stupid things, guess what? people are going to judge you. Expect it. Think of God even. If you sin, He definitely will forgive you, but you WILL suffer the consequences. Why? To teach you a lesson so that you learn from your mistakes and hopefully come out of your situation a better person. I think modern society has really, really abused that phrase ,"don't judge". It is used as an excuse for people to run riot and do whatever they want, to hell with the consequences. Heaven forbid that someone should try to caution or advise that person. A million people will scream in their direction "Who are you to judge?" "Are you perfect?" Errrrm no, I'm neither of those things. But that doesn't mean I should keep quiet when I could do or say something that could potentially save someone from dire consequences.

Having said all that, let's go back to @zimleague 's tweet.  Whilst most of us like to act all holier-than-though, the truth is most if not all of us have done something in the past that we're not really proud of. The only difference maybe is the scale of what we've done. Some us may forever regret  breaking the heart of the love of our lives. Some may have estranged parents because we were or maybe still are too stubborn to go back and make ammends. Some have had abortions that they regret. Some may have stolen something and now have to live with an unecessary criminal record for the rest of their lives. Monica Lewinsky had an affair with the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!!(bruh!!)  But you know what, all that is in the PAST. Think of yourself. Think about the silly/stupid/shocking/embarassing things lurking in your past. Imagine if the people in your life judged you solely on that one incident (some of us may have several incidences lol). Would that really be fair? Is that who you are? Is that what defines you? If your answer is no, then why should it be true of someone else? Monica was 22 when she had that affair with Bill. Yes, 22 is a fully grown adult. She should have known better and she has had to suffer the consequences of her decisions. Whilst watching her TED talk though, I thought of myself at 22. Goodness! Although I was legally an adult, I was still a baby at heart. A baby! I was so immature I cringe when I think about how I was then. If I had been given the opportunity, I most probably would have made worse mistakes than Monica! 

Khanyi! I love Khanyi despite her dubious past. I love who she is now!
But you know what? That is life. We live, we learn. As long as we learn from our mistakes that's what matters right? No-one is perfect. No-one knows it all. Listen to those who try to give you good advice. You never know, they could be trying to save you from future heartache. Watching Monica speak I realised this is something she most probably will never get over. The pain and fear is still there in her eyes. But I see something else in her eyes. A determination to not let this saga rule her life anymore. She has this yes-it-still-hurts-but-I'll-be-damned-if-you-start-that-shit-again look. Good for her! People need to get over it! Surely being kind and encouraging each other is better than trolling and pointing figures and sniggering behind each other's backs?


Always remember, those people who constantly remind you of your past are threatened by your future. They are confortable with the way you used to be. They cannot stand you outshining them DESPITE your past. People are constantly learning and growing. Be happy for someone else's progress. 


Your never know what we will discover about you...!

                                                                                   
 

Wednesday, 18 March 2015

Women: We are our own worst enemy

There is a joke that goes something like this: A woman went for a girl’s night out and had such a crazy time she did not get back home until the next morning. Her husband was furious and asked where she had been. She told him to call her girlfriends who could verify that they had all been together, innocently having fun and had simply lost track of time. Half of the friends the husband called denied ever having been with her and the other half didn't even answer the husband's calls. In another household, a similar situation was unfolding. However, this time the husband was the one in the hot seat. The wife angrily called his friends demanding to know where her husband had spent the night. Two vouched for him saying he was the only sober one and had to drive everyone else home hence his getting home late. Another one said his wife had suddenly gone into labour and the husband in question, being such a good friend of course, had taken them to the hospital and was now on his way home. Three of the husbands friends said indeed they had been out together but the husband was so tired that he couldn't drive home and was at that very moment asleep in their spare bedroom!

Now of course I am not condoning deception in households but this joke does reflect the differences in how men and women stand up for each other. As women, we are always complaining and moaning about how men oppress us and how they don't treat us as equals. While it is true that there is a good number of males (I won't say men) out there that indeed look down upon and oppress women, can we really place the blame squarely on their shoulders? What about us women? How do we really treat each other? Are we always genuinely happy for one another’s success?

I think all ladies will agree with me that the best place to hear the craziest stories is the hair salon! (And please ladies, it's called the hair salOn not salOOn. A saloon is a type of bar particular to the Old West or a large room or hall for receptions. Two completely different words!). Anyway, I digress. The hair salon. You get to hear all sorts of stories at hair salons. Three quarters of the time it is female customers talking to each other about other female customers or the hair dressers talking to whoever cares to listen about other female hair dressers or about other female clients. Ninety nine percent of the time it is nothing positive. “Did you hear so and so is getting divorced?” or “Eish, have you seen so and so lately? She is sick I tell you. She doesn’t have any hair left” or “Tjo! Guess what? The other day I saw so and so’s husband with some girl in a dark corner at XYZ restaurant!” On and on we go, gossiping, laughing, pulling each other down. Not once have I heard, “So and so’s business is doing really well these days” or “Wow, did you see the car so and so is driving now? She is lucky to have such a good man who takes care of her” or “Ladies, so and so is going through a hard time. Let us go and support her”. In the same salon though, listen to the conversation going on in the barber’s corner. The guys are more likely than not to be talking about some sport or the other. Next possible topic is politics. You may also even hear them talking about some guy who’s business is doing well and how they also want in on whatever he is doing. You hardly hear them talking about each other’s personal lives or laughing at each other or gleefully cackling at each other’s misfortunes.

Women like to pull each other down even in the most unnecessary of situations. Picture this. You are driving home during peak hour and the traffic is moving at 2cm per hour. You are trying to get into a main road from a side road and you need someone to give you way. Now ladies. How many times has a fellow woman given you way? Funny isn’t it? If the two cars in front of you are being driven by men, she will stop and happily give way. As soon as she realizes you are a woman, she will step on that accelerator like her life depends on it and block your car even if she is not actually going to go anywhere due to the traffic jam!



Then there is the office. The scene of many a back stabbing and pulling down! Notice how men can work on project effectively and well together. No glitches whatsoever. Have a team of ladies and most of the time that is recipe for disaster. Nails come out and eyes are scratched. All for no reason other than one woman may not like the fact that the other woman drives a better car than hers. Or her husband has a better job. Or she lives in a better part of town. Or she has better clothes. Or even that she is prettier! Therefore the best way to get back at her is to pull her down as much as you can and make her look like she is incompetent to the boss. More rumors than there are airplanes at Heathrow airport will fly around the corridors all in an effort to tarnish another woman’s image.

Then there are mothers. Yes, mothers. How do mothers treat their sons and daughters? Do they really treat them equally? Do they encourage them equally and let them know they have equal opportunities? Or are girls usually prepped to become future mothers and home-makers and the boys successful leaders and business men? Even in the homes, domestication is mainly thrust upon girls and boys are taught that as the future head of the house, they can lounge around and get served hand and foot by their female siblings. I completely understand that men and women are indeed genetically different. I am not saying we want to create a genderless society where we can’t tell if one is male or female. What I am saying is mothers are the ones that spend the most time with their children especially when they are at impressionable ages. As mothers, let us teach our children that both girls and boys are equally important and capable of achieving the same things. Let us not teach them that one gender is seemingly more important than the other. All these men that are labeled chauvinists did not just wake up one day and think that they are superior to women. They learnt it from somewhere.

What are you doing to support other women? Support doesn’t have to be financial. Are you encouraging other women? Are you supporting other women’s dreams? Are you mentoring other women? Sharing resources and ideas? Ladies, if we do not stand up for each other, let us not blame the men. They will only treat us how we allow them to treat us and how they see us treating each other. If men see that we do not think much of each other then why should they think much of us?

Let us also avoid the green eyed monster which is the main source of all ladies’ issues with each other. If some has something better than you, be happy for them. It won’t kill you. That way, you can even approach them and get advice on how you can also do the same and raise yourself to their level. Isn’t that much better than spending all your energy on trying to pull them down to your level?

At the end of the day, I think we oppress each other more than the men do. Let us learn to genuinely be there for each other, support each other and help each other. Women can achieve many more things in all aspects of society if only we become each other’s cornerstones and not our own worst enemies.

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Happy International Women's Day! #MakeITHappen

You know, when I was younger, I always used to really wonder about feminists. To me feminists and feminism were such questionable words. I used to wonder why on earth these women wanted to be men. I mean God made us different for a reason right? Male and female. Why would one want to be like the other? I would hear both men and women accuse them of being unecessary trouble-makers. But now that I'm older and have my eyes opened a bit more, I totally understand where these women who advocate for the rights and equality of other women are coming from. To a certain extent, I also understand why some women think that feminists are disruptive and extremist group. I have been on both sides of the fence. If you have been brought up in a relatively good environment, your father and your brothers treat you like a princess, your boyfriend is prince charming, then why on earth would you even give feminism a thought? You have not experienced domestic violence, you are not made to feel like a sub-human being simply because of your sex. You are not denied an education and married off at ten years old, because well, that's what women are for. You have not experienced violence at the hands of your own father or brothers because they feel they can do whatever they want to you just because you're a female. You are not denied the right to work, to drive, to make any decisions affecting YOUR life. You are not merely an object for men to use and dispose of as they see fit. So of course you would not understand what the fuss is all about.

As I grew up though, I began to see these differences in the way women and men are treated. I thank God that I did not grow up in an environment similar to what I have described above but you know what? the discrimination is still there. For example, to this very day, 8 March 2015, you will see adverts on TV from Insurance companies telling us that if a man and a woman sign up for a policy on the same day, the man will get more cover. Why? Why is that? If you sign up for medical aid insurance and you're a woman, your membership suffix is likely to be "02" and not "01". Errrm, hello? I am the owner of this account so why should I be "02"?? Look at me. I am an only child. A girl. I know for a fact that there are people who expected me not to make much of my life because, well, "she's just one girl". Well, surprise b*itches!!

At the end of this post, I will put some links to pages that will show you what other women are going through in this world. To me, true feminism is not about women wanting to be men. It's not about taking away a man's masculinity (not sure if there's such a word?). I believe all true feminists want is to just be treated like equal, human beings that matter just as much as our brothers and fathers. To be afforded equal opprtunities at school and at work. To be given the freedom to make choices for ourselves. To be protected. To not be treated as sex objects. Actually, I think a true feminist would want a real man in her life who will take up the role of being a provider and a protector. Look, of course, like with any social group of people, there is the possibily of those who will become extremists and feminism is no different. Maybe those women that turn out like that would have experienced some horrific incident in their past at the hands of a man, I don't know. What I do know is that the original goals of the first feminists were to simply advocate for equality for women in all aspects of society. Period.

I think those people, especially men, who are violently against feminism are the very perpetrators of oppression and violence against women. I can immediately think of the Indian government which not more than a week ago, banned the airing of India's Daughter, the documentary based on the story of the 2012 violent rape and murder of Indian student Jyoti Singh. My question is why would they ban it? Because it makes the men "uncomfortable"? What a shame!

Also, ladies. Let us learn to celebrate each other! Another woman's success takes nothing away from your own. Let us share ideas, information, strategies. Let us learn to encourage and support each other. Imagine, just imagine what we could achieve if only we each made a resolution to empower just one other woman. This world would indeed be a completely different place. Yes, there is oppression from men but I believe there is just as much negative energy from other women. Let us do away with this "pull her down" syndrome so many of us suffer from. What does it benefit you to pull down another woman? Absolutely nothing. All you gain is a decaying, rotting heart and a first class ticket to hell!

As Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (love, love that woman) said, "We should all be feminists". Take a moment to actually think what it truely means to be a feminist. The real meaning of feminism and not this corrupted and dirtied meaning that so many people claim it to be. Men and women. We should all be feminists. What does that mean? In short, equal rights. Equal opprtunities. It doesn't mean we want to be men or take over men's roles. We just want to be allowed to be great. To reach our potential. My definition and understanding of what a feminist is, is as Chimamanda put it in her TED talk on feminism:


We teach girls to shrink themselves
To make themselves smaller
We say to girls,
"You can have ambition
But not too much
You should aim to be successful
But not too successful
Otherwise you will threaten the man."
Because I am female
I am expected to aspire to marriage
I am expected to make my life choices
Always keeping in mind that
Marriage is the most important
Now marriage can be a source of
Joy and love and mutual support
But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
And we don't teach boys the same?
We raise girls to see each other as competitors
Not for jobs or for accomplishments
Which I think can be a good thing
But for the attention of men
We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
In the way that boys are
Feminist: the person who believes in the social
Political, and economic equality of the sexes



This year's Women's Day theme is "Make it Happen". Ladies. Although great strides have been made towards equality between the sexes, there is still a hell of a lot more to be done. Don't sit around and expect someone to hand you opportunities. Get up, work for what you want and MAKE IT HAPPEN. After all, as Beyonce said "We're flawless". Nothing can stop us even if seems the odds are against us!

Tina

Check out the below links:
  • http://beijing20.unwomen.org/en/infographic/beijing-at-20 
  • http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2015/03/women-gains-sold-taliban-peace-deal-150308102938459.html
  • http://www.smh.com.au/world/indian-government-bans-bbc-rape-documentary-that-features-infamous-rapist-blaming-victim-20150306-13xcfr.html
  • http://www.theweek.co.uk/middle-east/60339/eleven-things-women-in-saudi-arabia-cant-do
  • http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/features/2014/10/abandonment-bring-back-our-girls-2014101494119446698.html
  • http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-27619295
  • http://www.girlsnotbrides.org/child-marriage/south-africa/

Thursday, 5 February 2015

The horror against which all horrors are judged...

About a week ago, the world commemorated International Holocaust Remembrance Day which coincides with the 70th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz. We all know about the absolute horror that was the Holocaust. Ask any random ten year old child and they will know about the "mean" Nazi's and what they did to over 6 million Jews. That coverage of the remembrance day got me thinking though. Is the Holocaust the only atrocity that has happened in the world that needs remembrance? For example, how come we don't have an International-Slavery-of-African-People-Remembrance-Day? Even if we did, would the mainstream media pay as much attention to it? Millions and millions of black Africans were forcibly extracted from their homes and sold into slavery. UNESCO estimates that about 17 million men, women and children were taken from Africa during the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade. These figures exclude those who died aboard the ships and during wars and raids connected to the trade. Whilst I was reading about the Trans-Atlantic slave trade, I came across some else which I knew about but really hadn't given much thought to. The Arab Slave Trade.

Whenever I, and I'm sure most people, think about the slave trade in Africa, we usually picture white Europeans being the only perpetrators of this black mark in the history of mankind. But there were others. The Arabs. I'm not sure why though we never really talk about or hear much about the Arab Slave Trade. AINA (Assyrian International News Agency) states that over 28 million Africans have been enslaved in the Muslim world during the past 14 centuries. www.arabslavetrade.com says over 10 million slaves were taken by the Arabs from the Eastern coasts of Africa. Obviously no-one has the exact number of Africans that were affected by the Arab slave trade but records and history show that there we a lot. Millions of people. Now, my question is this. What happened to all those black African slaves that were taken to the Middle East and Arab states? What happened to them? Why is there hardly any evidence of their existence. In America (both North and South), and Europe there are enough mixed people. You can SEE the evidence of their existence. But how many of you have ever seen a mixed person of African and Arabic heritage? Anyone? Where are those people? What happened to those millions of people?

 
Muslim Black slavery - Islam slave history of Black Africa

I read that young African boys captured by the Arab slave trader typically had their scrotums and penises completely amputated to prevent them from reproducing. And about 6 out of 10 boys died during this process. Children born out of the rape of African women and their Arab masters were killed, presumably so as not to taint the Arab bloodline. 

Castrated African guarding a harem in Tunis

Why is this not talked out more often? Surely this is another horror of horrors? Why do we as, black Africans not also commemorate these atrocities on our people? What also would be the point of commemorating such? Why do the Jews do it? What do you guys think?

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Repost: The ‘New’ Side Chick: I Was Her

When people hear the term "side chick", they automatically think of this ratchet female going after other women's husbands or boyfriends. However, Miss T. N. King's blog post entitled "The New Side Chick: I was her" explains another form of side chick, one that may hit closer to home for most of us ladies. Single ladies, you need to read this. Do not allow yourselves to used in this way. Do not invest in someone who clearly has no intention of investing in you. This post is the truth! Happy reading!

Our mental picture of side chicks. Always trying to kick the "main chick" to the curb.


A side chick is commonly known as a mistress or a woman that’s romantically involved with a man who is in a committed relationship.  However after doing some reflecting, I realize that’s not the only type of side chick.  I want to discuss “the new side chick”–a woman who decides to stay by a man’s side after he has expressed his lack of relationship intentions with her through his words or actions.  So many women have made this mistake at least once in their lifetime, and unfortunately I’ve done the same thing.

I like to think of the new side chick as an appetizer.  You’re there just to satisfy the immediate appetite of the man, but as soon as that mouth-watering entrée comes out to the table, you will get pushed to the side, literally.  Why?  Because that entrée is what he really wanted; he went to the restaurant to order steak, not hot wings.  You were just a placeholder, fling, temporary commitment, or  maybe even just a “good ol time” until what he really wanted was presented to him.  I know I sound a bit harsh, but even I had to realize my then-reality for what it was.  Simply put: you are not and will never be his Queen.

The truth hurts, but it can only make you stronger.

I would like to open up about my experience with this one particular guy where I found myself playing the new side chick role.  I will refer to him as “Jake”. From the moment Jake and I met, we immediately clicked.  I could talk to him about anything. We would laugh and joke on the phone for hours and help each other out.  He was so supportive, encouraging, and respectful.  We had such a beautiful and strong friendship.  I was attracted to his mind, personality, and character.  However, it was the magnetic chemistry and connection we had that made me fall for him.  He became my best friend.
I thought this was it. He could possibly be the ‘one’.

We began talking every day, multiple times throughout the day.  As time went on and our feelings for each other grew stronger, our actions began to reflect a “more-than-friend-on-the-verge-to-a-relationship” type thing. At this point, I fell for him.  I had given my heart to a man who was not mine.

I need to pause my story and say this: Queens, we need to learn to stop giving too much too soon.  Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything flows from it.”  It’s impossible to guard your heart when you’re always giving it away.  I think it’s beautiful that God created us to be nurturers and emotional.  However, we are too quick to give away our time, body, money, and emotions to men who have not EARNED it.  A Queen will not have to audition her love to her King.  Her King will already recognize her worth, virtues, and beauty.  Stop giving away so much of you that you end up with nothing for yourself.  Better yet, stop giving away so much that a man has nothing else to work for.  At this point you’re an emotional wreck.  You go out and try to fill that void of emptiness through other men, food, material things, etc, but always come up short.  Queen, only GOD can fill you up after you have depleted yourself.  Go to Him, not the world. I am speaking from experience.  Though I never gave Jake my body or money, I gave him way too much of my time and emotions even after he expressed to me that he did not want a relationship.

Before a woman gets too involved with a man, she should find out what his intentions are and listen carefully to his answer. When I asked Jake what his intentions were with me, he said:  “I like you and I see you as someone for the long-term. However, I am young and I know I still have a lot of playing left to do, so I’m not ready for a relationship.”  That reason eventually evolved to him saying he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s focused on school and his internship.  He wanted to secure his future first. I thought those reasons were valid, and that’s why I still stuck by his side.  Plus his actions toward me did not change, so I figured he really wanted to be with me; it was just bad timing.  I thought that one day, once he got the “play” out his system and completed his internship, he would be ready.  So, I continued to allow myself to get more attached emotionally and mentally.

I wish I knew then what I know now:  A man who really wants to be with you will find every reason to be with you.  A man who does not want to be with you will find every excuse why he can’t be with you. Queen, don’t make the same mistake as me.  You can’t change a man nor his intentions with you. Months went by and we continued our usual routine.  He ended up completing his internship and securing a job post graduation.  I noticed a slight behavioral change toward me and confronted him about it.  He ended up telling me that he met somebody new and wanted to explore his options with her now that he had his future secured.

And just like that, I was pushed to the side.

I was so hurt, frustrated, and disappointed.  I remember thinking: “I’ve been building and talking to this guy for 9 months.  How dare he pushes me to the side to pursue someone else.  I was the one who always held him down, supported, and helped him.  Now that he’s “played” and secured his future, he decides to talk to someone else.  He wasted my time!  How dare him! This is not fair!” Eventually I had to turn the mirror to myself and take responsibility for my actions.  I was the one who decided to get attached to a man who verbally expressed to me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship.  I was the one who allowed a man to stick around in my life for 9 months with no type of commitment attached.  I settled for this type of treatment because I did not see myself worthy of something better.  I thought I would never find anyone comparable or better than Jake if I walked away.  At that point in my life, he was the best I ever had, and I was afraid to let that go.

I am sure many of you are or know someone who is holding on to relationships and ‘situationships’ that God never brought together.  As the year is coming to the end, I want to challenge all Queens to step out on faith, trust God, and release that dead weight.  For 2015, I challenge you to redefine your worth and standards according to who GOD says you are and to never accept any treatment that demeans you.  Get that peasant off your throne and make room for the King that God wants you to build an empire with.  Stop giving your body away to someone who’s not even giving you a real commitment.  Stop cooking all of these gourmet meals for that man who can’t even take you out on a real date.  Cut off the guy that keeps coming in and out of your life because he doesn’t know what he wants.  Indecisiveness is a decision.  Make the decision for him and let him go.  Stop acting like an uber to some of these men who won’t even catch a taxi for you.  Just because he sends for you, doesn’t mean you need to come.  Pick up your crown and wear it with dignity and class.

Some of you right now may be trying to justify in your mind on why you can’t let go and move on.  You’ve fell in love with the “what if”, his potential, and what it could be if you stayed.  Queen, stop embracing the fantasy and accept your reality. I know it’s easier said than done to cut off someone you have invested in and have feelings for, but that’s where your FAITH comes in.  Is your trust in God or the “option” of men you “see” around you?  When me and Jake abruptly ended, I went on a “man fast”.  I decided to focus on my relationship with Jesus and allow Him to mold me into the woman He called me to be.  I decided to not focus on my “still single” status and the lack of man options around me.  All of that time and emotion I would’ve given to Jake, I gave to Christ.  I learned that the more I put into Christ, the more He puts into me.  I took back my crown and regained peace, joy, confidence, purpose, and love.  Man’s rejection is God’s protection!  Jake was never fit to be My King.  I can’t thank God enough for protecting me from a what would’ve been unfulfilling and purposeless relationship.  Since then, God has showed me that there are better men than the “Jakes” of this world.  He’s introduced me to much better when I least expected it.  If He did it for me, have faith that one day He will do it for you. :-)

Be blessed.
Sincerely,
KING

Click here to go to the original post on Miss T. N. King's blog